Musungu

Let me start by saying that I am writing this hoping that as a white male sharing his experience, it can influence other white people to be open to the reality that the black experience cannot be discounted and must change. It is only through listening and educating ourselves that our eyes and hearts will open. Mine open more with each passing day. It may be heart wrenching but I think it is critical if we hope to change things.

My experience is as imperfect as me but it is mine and I hope in sharing it you accept that it comes from a desire to ensure our children, all races and color live the change.

My first encounter with an understanding that I was white was as an 11 year old. My family had moved to Zambia from the West Island of Montreal in 1972.

We were met in Lusaka in July of 1972 by another Canadian Family whose Dad knew my Father through work with CN Rail and they had lived in Zambia for the last couple of years.

Now growing up on the West Island I cannot remember if I knew a Black person before landing in Zambia. Of course Sports and T.V. but I do not recall a black kid at school or a black Family at our Church. At 11 years old, I do know that color had not crossed my mind.

Our first night in Zambia was at a Railway Guest House in Lusaka, it was owned by Zambia Railway my Dad's new employer and we stayed over night with the other Canadian Family. It was a big house with a big yard and an African garden. I had never seen plants like these. As a first impression of Zambia I was jacked! The staff at the Guest House were incredibly kind and welcoming.

Dinner was full of conversation, excitement and discussion. It was all very positive and honestly at 11 lots of it was not really interesting but one part I will remember forever.

I heard the other Dad tell my parents that "the boys", my brother and I, needed to be careful and not venture out on our own because we were white and it could draw attention. Yes it was a safe place but.... This was the first time color was introduced to me or at least the first that I remember.

Now if you know me I am not good at being directed and I do not see the world that way. To me the world is inviting and magic, so I knew then and there I would do the opposite and from the first chance once we settled in Kabwe, I ventured far and wide.

Musungu is a Bemba word.

Bemba is one of the languages spoken in Zambia. During my time in Zambia I learnt to speak it and another African language called Nyanja. I was not fluent but got pretty close. Musungu is a term used for white people.

I remember vividly driving or riding my bike into Villages outside of Kabwe and the little kids running up to me or the car chanting "Musungu" excitedly announcing our arrival.

We spent 6 years in Zambia and I honestly fell in love with it and its people. In my time there I never once felt at risk, not once did I feel nervous about being a white living in Zambia.

Living in Kabwe was magic! We had a wonderful house with a property that had Avocado trees, Mango trees, Papaya trees, a small patch of Bananas, massive red Poinsettia's and a small thicket of Bamboo. Our street was lined with Frangipani trees.

For the first three years school was correspondence courses from Canada and along with a few other Canadian kids we attended the equivalent of a one room schoolhouse.

There were two main industries in Kabwe, Railway Head Office and the Mine.

We joined the Mine Club which was a massive property that had a pool, movie theater, pool hall, Rugby Club, Baseball Club and pretty much 4 pubs. Going to the pool introduced us to a new set of friends outside of the Canadian kids. I think we went to the pool pretty much everyday. A mixture of expats (white) and Zambians(white). White Privilege. As a 12 year old I could see it.

My other friends came through the my broader community.  Middle class Canadian equals advantaged expat in Africa. Our first Houseman had a family of 5 children, 2 boys and 3 girls. Learning Bemba, hanging out after school, playing football and learning about life and a wonderful friendship ensued. From this friendships expanded to neighbor kids and so on. I learnt a great deal from them and spent a lot of time playing with them A favorite past time was going to the park and playing football. I had a football and that was a ticket to great fun.

Life in Zambia was great and I was not being careful. I had in effect 2 lives. My expat life and my Zambian life. At times they crossed and at times they did not.

One very sad day after a heated disagreement with my Mom Peter was fired. Peter was a chauvinist and Mom could only take so much. Likely he got over a years grace because of his children from her but it had to come to pass. It was really hard to lose my friends, heart wrenching.

I was getting older and noticing more about being White in Zambia.

This brings me to someone that was about to influence me like no other in my life, Stephen Chimusana Manda.

Stephen became our new Houseman, he had been employed by the Barclays Bank Manager who lived in the house behind ours. The Chisletts left Kabwe and Stephen became our Houseman. At the back of our propert was what in Canada we may call a Coach house. That is where Stephen lived. Stephen was a character and took a great deal of pride in his work and shortly after he started working for us got married. Stephen spoke Nyanja, so I was about to learn it too.

Overtime but quickly Stephen became like a Big Brother to me. Including putting expectations on my behavior around the house. We shared our love of Football and would sit together outside his house listening to Zambian National team games. We also would go to watch the Kabwe Warriors play at Railway Stadium. We became closer as time passed.

I was becoming more interested and aware of politics. Zambia got its independence on October 24, 1964. There was not a civil war like Zimbabwe or many other African Nations. I witnessed racism, I heard it come from many white mouths. Guerrilla Wars in Zimbabwe, Angola, Mozambique, South Africa surrounded Zambia and many days were tense. I can remember seeing Cubans in Kabwe who were rumored to be training troupes not far from us. Race was very much part of my education.

Fortunately I grew up in a home that focused on love as a value and Mom and Dad had many Zambian friends and worked in charities to help where they could. Our house and the people in it were always representative of our community in Kabwe.

I would ask Stephen about what he recalled about Colonial days. He would share his recollections. We started to talk about racism. I am certain I drove him nuts at times but he was patient and understanding. I summoned the courage to ask him had he ever been targeted by racism? Was he ever called Kaffir? Asking and saying that word out loud to Stephen was really hard and honestly right now as I type I feel anxious and  I can feel my heart in my throat.How did it feel/ Did it make him angry? Did he resent White People?

There was another name that I called Stephen that I will share. It was Ba Milamu, translated it is Brother in Law. I called him that because I heard him called that by Royda's Sister and I decided it fit. It made him laugh and it is what I called him more than I called him by his name. I think it was my way of expressing his importance to me.

Stephen was as always thoughtful and patient in answering my questions. He had been subject to it. It made him angry and scared. No he did not resent White people just racist people. He impressed on me that hate was hate and not all people hated.

He had a Baby boy at this time. Jason was like my little brother he impressed on me that Jason's life would be different because of the changes.

That conversation and that friendship has made my life very different than most. It caused me to read and explore the black experience in Africa and the US. I have read the writings of Stephen Biko, Martin Luther King, Malcom X, Muhammad Ali and Nelson Mandela. These helped me to have conversations with other black friends about their experience.

I am a White Canadian Man. My experience however was shaped by Africa. My resolve to understand was influenced by my friendship and love of Ba Malamu whom I miss to this day. It has been strengthened by friendships over the years.

My ask of my White Friends. Read, listen and be open to accepting that the Black experience is real and that it has to change. Be open to the part you play in changing it. You likely have not contributed to a negative experience but each of us has a role in changing it and calling out loudly if and when we see it.

My ask of my Black Friends, understand that I cannot know your experience but that I have tried for years to listen and educate myself and call me out if I am not standing with you in a way that actually can help effect change. In essence forgive any words that I may have written above if they are not on point. Help me be on point. It matters to this Masungu greatly.






                                 

In my Life

There are many things in my life that make me smile or tear up and a great deal that I have to be grateful for, I try to stop and remember them as often as I can and then there are moments that imprint gratitude deeply into my soul.

About 20 years ago I was sent to the Toronto Bus station to pick up Amanda's Cousin and his Wife. I had never met either of them and had only seen pictures of Paddy. Little did I know the impact this would have in my life.

These past 20 or so years both Amanda and I have come to cherish the friendship that has developed over the years with these two. They have become a constant in our minds and our hearts.  What we seem to have in common most are our love of family, travel, music, laughter and honesty.

The imprinting came these past two weeks where we spent 8 fantastic days in Omagh with Paddy and Carmel. They are so easy to be around, so caring and so kind. Sharing their home and hospitality and omg lots of laughter.

Central to us all are our children: Niamh, Aoife, Kaelan and Claire. Our children have known each other since birth and I think Paddy and Carmel were among the first whom we shared our plans to bring Claire into our lives. We seem to have a similar approach to our kids honest, mature and accountable would be the themes that I think are most similar. Sure we have our differences but we enjoy them as much.

Seeing our 4 girls together is pure magic and something I could never have imagined. Seeing Kaelan sprawled on the couch with them and Claire is a picture and illustrates just how important they all are in our lives.

While we have met up in Florida with them the past two years, spending quality time in Omagh was so much more. An opportunity to have them experience all that Amanda cherishes about "home".

Amanda and I sat quietly last evening thinking and talking, reminiscing and laughing. What we both know is that having Paddy, Carmel, Niamh and Aoife in our lives makes our life so much more rich and special than it could other wise be.

In my Life...For that, I am so Grateful

Inspiration

This past week has been an Epic week round here! May 4 we celebrated GOTCHA day, yes it has been just over a year since Claire became our official and legal child. That in itself is inspiring enough to fill a stadium. We have had such a great year with her. I think these pictures say it all.

We quickly moved to Amanda's Birthday which is a day I am more than grateful for and finally we watched as Kaelan navigated through Power Weekend, which is her black belt test. Now this is no small test, Kaelan was dropped off at 7 pm on Friday evening and was put through 40 hours of training, learning, testing and growth that most mortals never experience in their lifetime and she is still only 11. All candidates stay at the Dojang for the entire test.

This morning we watched as all the 2010 Black Belt Candidates completed their Power Weekend with a 5 KM run on the boardwalk at the Beach. 23 people in all tested this past weekend and along with other family and friends we braved the cold and yes SNOW FLURRIES on Mother's Day to cheer and display our pride for each and every one of them.

Kaelan has blown us away, she had the time of her life. This morning when we picked her up to take her to the run she was sitting on the floor feeling very nauseous and I was concerned for her. She was clearly not well and was drinking to try and stave it off. I asked if she wanted me to run with her, to which she was emphatic, no. This was her time, her run, her power weekend and she was going to do it on her own!

She was wobbly right to the start and headed out. She not only finished but she impressed with a very solid run, to be honest I was holding back tears I was so very proud of her. Each and every candidate did an incredible job and they have set the bar very high for next years candidates and we do not have very far to go to find inspiration.

So after a few hours of some well earned sleep, Kaelan found the strength to celebrate Mother's Day dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe in Toronto. Fitting to celebrate at the Hard Rock at home after our first with Claire in Moscow last year.

So as I look around me this past week, I have nothing but inspiration around me. Claire the 2 year old little girl from Birobidjan who has captured our hearts and is thriving, Kaelan who I cannot choose words to describe but to say I admire deeply, Amanda who stands by each of us and supports, prods, laughs and reminds us that we are accountable, those who have completed the 2010 Power Weekend and those who have been told you are next.

I am not from Africa but I am of Africa

These past few days since Madiba passed I have felt almost embarassed at the wash of emotions that have come over me it has been a journey of discovery for me.

I left a meeting on Thursday about 4:30 and walked up Yonge Street towards my office, it was a cool evening and I was walking quickly yet enjoying the freshness of the air and as I walked past a restaurant I noticed the television through the window and the headline "Mandela has died". It stopped me in my tracks. I stood quietly as people rushed past staring at the headline, my first thought was simply "it has come".

It was a difficult Street Car ride home, I texted Amanda " My heart is breaking, Madela has died" She responded in a way that gave me comfort. "I know, I didn't know how to tell you."

My embarassment has not been because of the fact I have cared but because I feel it at a depth that many likely would not understand. The voices inside me have been harsh, you are not African it should not mean so much to you, people will think you arogant, the elite of North Amercia are not hipocrates, how are you different from them? Just because you travelled there doesn't mean what you think it does.

I gave myself a head ache.

No I was not born in Africa, I lived in Zambia from July 1972 and the last time I was there was September of 1977. These were the years where I became a young man, where I became aware of and saw first hand the ugly under belly of racism. It was also where I became friends with and very close to people who defined my understanding of Africans, where I explored, had first love and developed a sense of politics that differs from what you learn from outside of it all.

The person I miss most from my time in Zambia is Stephen Manda. Stephen was a man that became my big brother, a man I called Ba Malamu, in his language it means Brother in Law. I was curious about what he had lived through and how he saw the black white story. Even though Zambia was independant it still carried many of the shackles of colonialism and as a young man it was confusing to me. What I did know was that Stephen was a man I looked up to, adored and adopted as a big brother. He taught me a great deal about what it meant to be an African man and by default a man.

I had many Zambian friends, white and black and I do know that there was an unstated difference if not in our eyes in the eyes of our parents perhaps? I used to ride my bike out to the smaller villages that surrounded Kabwe and I learnt to be quite fluent in a couple of languages. I loved being there because it was simple, it was happy and people seemed to me to be so genuine.

At that age I could see the conflict that existed in the minds of many of the white community who had been in Zambia since before independance and I heard the conflict often in conversation. It was something I was very interested in how could you not be? It was sometimes a dialogue that was contradictory to reality both theirs and mine but it was often full of conviction.

I was not political at that age but curious. I visited South Africa on vacation when I was 16 or 17 which was a profound experience for me.

I was well aware of Apartheid and had had some families talk about it to me while I lived in Zambia both white famalies and black famalies. I knew many Africaners and had heard why this made sense to them. These were people who were from most points of view caring, loving, intelligent people and people who were gracious. It confused me to death and still does. I cared for many of these people.

While in South Africa I visited Johannesburg, Cape Town and Durban. It is a magical place, a country with diversity of landscape as well as diversity of culture. Its people of all colors were wonderful and offered conversation and hospitality. To this day I am not sure I have ever been to a more beautiful country anywhere.

By an odd coincidence I decided to read the book "Roots" during our vacation there. I tell you reading that while seeing signs "Whites Only" perhaps ingrained a sense of reality that I otherwise may not have had. At the time I did not know the name Nelson Mandela, he was not part of my experience as much as he had been in prison for 12 or 13 years at the time. It was a time that my politics were being formed and a time that my culture was being cemented.

It was a time that the Western World was still not interested in the plight of South Africans and had not condemned the policy of Apartheid. Those who were interested in fighting for freedom were not supported by the West be it in voice or sanctions or money. It was Castro and others who were willing to support. Yes they changed but only when it became evident that they were at risk, it was not Apartheid the west was worried about, it was worried about being shut out.

In my time I heard many political conversations amongst adults and a man who became the official opposition Leader was a family friend, Andy Mazoka. I heard talk of Coup D'Etats and how we would need to just stay indoors for a while if it happened. I heard, saw and talked about poverty, true poverty. I witnessed the challenges of a growing nation. I saw the challenges that newly independant countries have because so few people were educated by the colonial powers ( a strategy nothing less) and how it challenged them to run and grow the country. These are the things that shaped me.

The last time I was in Zambia I left not knowing I would not be back. I left for school thinking I would return but my fathers contract ended prior to my next holidays. I never said good bye to Stephen and his family ( I did send him a letter), so many friends that I was close to did not get an appropriate good-bye. To this day I carry that regret and it was a time before internet.

The lense that I use when I look at the world is one that is highly influenced by my time in Africa and by the many experiences that I had, the people that I love to his day but have lost and the many many people who influenced my understanding of right and wrong.

As I grew I never detached from the experience always have finacially supported African causes and have passionately called out racism when presented.

When Mandela was in Toronto in 1998, Kaelan was only a month old. I went to see him speak. I went alone because there was no one that I knew who wanted to go. KK was too young to bring or Amanda nd she would have come. I was in the presence of the Hand of God. I never felt like I did that day and have not since.

When he talked about truth and reconciliation it touched me, perhaps because of the people that I had met in my time that I was conflicted about. Perhaps because it was a true message of love.

I am heartbroken that we have to live in a world without his voice. I am heartbroken that his work was not done. My tears though have not only been about loss. I am so grateful that he was put on this earth to guide humanity through the challenge that ending Apartheid was and continues to be. I am grateful that his voice was added with the others: Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Malcom X.

My tears were tears not because I am African but because I am of Africa.

 

It Feels Different this Time

I am not sure why, but even at this stage of my life I seek out growth, not small things but big ass smack you in the back of the head growth. Tomorrow evening I will be honored in receiving my Second Degree Black Belt at DeSantos Black Belt Spectacular.

It has been a very different journey than my first and it has smacked me in the head many times over during the journey and particularly in the last 9 months. In receiving my first there was a sense of accomplishment, a sense of arrival and a sense of responsibility. This time I do not feel the same things in fact I feel undone. SMACK, good, this is good, really good.

For a while I have been attaching this feeling to many different things trying to name it because as humans we have to give things names to make sense of them, or at least we think we do. At times I have attached it to my lovely tendon in my elbow that reminds me every time I use it that it is unhappy with how I have used it. undone.

I have attached it to age. Really Tom.........undone.

I have attached it to the challenge of having a full life and trying to be everything to everyone and all I do. undone.

I have attached it to not having been able to actually fight Dave the way that KJN outlined for us. We will get there professor. undone.

Physically I am beat up. My elbow will need a few months of rest after tomorrow before knowing if it will heal on its own. My piroformis needs to relax and heal, I need to be less twisted. I am at peace with all of this because I earned all of it. undone.

So at this point what is different? For a while I have been thinking that maybe I am done and that my possibilities in martial arts have reached their peak and I cannot build from where I am. I have come to realise that this is not the case.

I could choose to be distracted by the noise, I could choose to take the easier path and choose to take my belt hold it high and say wow look at what I have done. But there is something in me that fights and rejects that thought.

I am undone, the feeling is exactly what I need to feel. When I look at it I am starting to get excited because it means that I am beginning. I am beginning to learn that gratification and fulfillment do not come in a moment, they are achieved in a lifetime. Each moment along the way is to be celebrated no matter if it is good or bad. Each moment is an opportunity to learn and be better. Each moment is about loving and honoring it.

So, I am undone and it feels different this time and it should. It feels better because it is undone. Undone is possibility, opportunity, challenge and growth. It is exactly what I should be feeling and I am only sad because it took me this long in my life to figure this out.

I am so happy to be a Martial Artist because it is a singular journey that you do together with other  people, it is just like life.

Only time will say if this has changed me for the better but I know I have been changed for good. -praphrased from Wicked.

One Love

$1.75 Live Below The Line:

An important part of a Martial Arts Journey at my Dojang is to participate in Empathy Training during a testing cycle, it is a part of the cycle that I actually look forward to and find to be an opportunity to open my mind.

For my first degree belt two years ago I spent 24 hours mute and found it to be a challenge and interesting, my family found it to be a blessing! For this belt I wanted to connect to empathy in a way I have not in the past. I was stumped and getting frustrated, I have had many physical injuries over the years so a sling, a wheel chair or any other seemed to be something I had done. Then I was fortunate to get an email from Make Poverty History, an organization for which I have been a member for years and it presented "$1.75 Live Below the Line"

Live Below the Line is an initiative of the Global Poverty Project, an education and campaigning organization whose mission is to increase the number and effectiveness of people taking action against extreme poverty. The Challenge : BRING IT ON: Just $1.75 of food and drink a day for 5 days.

The issue of poverty is something that resonates with me emotionally and politically and with the DeSantos Walk to Niagara for breakfast programs for children it also aligned with fundraising we were doing as a team. Yes, I also found something that could potentially change the blessing of mute to the hell of Tom being hungry! It seemed to be a natural and providence.


I talked to Amanda about my choice and her response was perfect, "that's a great idea and I am sure you will be a joy to live with through it." I had found the sweet spot so all I had to do was figure out what to eat that would cost $8.75 for the 5 days.

Firstly for those who do not know, I love food and I love to cook. I find food to be an essential part of relationships, celebration, love and an expression of who I am. So figuring it out was relatively easy and I landed on 35 oz of rice, a bunch of celery, a bunch of broccoli, 9 eggs, 2 onions, 3 cans of baked beans and some salt and pepper...$8.75. All set.

Through this I was continuing to train, work and maintain a regular day. I had the added pleasure that I started my work week on the Sunday because I was running a program.

Sunday was the start and for this it was an easy start, I got up for 7 am training and began with no coffee. Now here is the good part, I went to decaf in July and did not need to deal with caffeine withdrawal but not having decaf was still a change that was noticed. Day 1 passed by easily and seemed fairly normal.

Things changed, as the days went on I found the experience to get harder and harder. By Monday evening beyond feeling hungry my energy level was depleting and taking an hour class was more of a challenge than it should be.

As the hours moved on the hunger came and went, more came than went. I found that I had a light headedness and concentrating took effort and I had to focus harder than usual. The third day was particularly hard and I had the fourth day to look forward to.

I found I was thinking about what I was doing a lot almost fixated. The fourth day I was a host at a cocktail reception at work for the folks that are in Toronto from across Canada for the program I am running. This is a NICE cocktail party with exceptional food, great wine and beer. I could have water. Oddly enough while there it was not as hard as I had anticipated, the thought of it was more challenging than the experience.

Now if that wasn't bad enough, the Blue Jays had a game that night and I continued my hosting of the group at Rogers Stadium in a box with the new recruits an Executive and all the food and drink you wanted. That's awesome! I got home about 10 pm had a glass of water and went to bed.

Only one last day ahead of me and it was the worst. Every challenge seemed to amplify, I felt anxious, hungry, light headed and at times I will use the word emotional. I was crabby by 5:15 and should have gone and slept in a hotel. I was not anything to love that night at home. That night sleep did not come until very late. Hunger kept me awake. I was tempted to go and eat so I could sleep but what stopped me was thinking that there were many children struggling to sleep because they were hungry, so I did not out of respect for them.

I began to think of the breakfast programs that we were supporting and began to think about the kids.

I do not know how we let children go hungry, ANYWHERE in this world. If I was feeling the way I was and am an adult how can a child cope? How can they learn? How can they play? How can they relate? How can they feel whole? They are bombarded daily with advertising, bombarded seeing others eat. How can they sit at school and see people eating lunches and snacks that they cannot even dream of? Yes we let this happen every day, every hour and every minute of every day in every corner of this planet. It is in a word cruel. No child should feel the way I did.

If we have such promise in the western world why do we let a child go hungry?

All I did was spend 5 days on $1.75 a day for food and I honestly felt it and no where to the extent that many children do every day. I never thought about hunger this way because I have never truly been hungry before.

Now I hunger for change.

Providence and Aging

As I sit and write, my freshly poured Guinness settles in my glass and I amuse myself with the thought of the simplicity at which it settles as compared with my inability to settle over many things these past many months.

These past months, since I updated the blog, have been incredibly eventful and I feel so less settled than my now settled Guinness. I think that is why I have chosen the title of Providence and aging.

I have struggled these past many months with the challenges in life that have presented themselves to me, road blocks, bumps, bruises, injuries, set backs and mind bending crap that have made me question so many things. These things have happened at work, play and with my family and for maybe the first time in my life, I have had to face realities that seemed distant and almost foreign to me.

Today has been a day of Providence.

First, I have to admit that as a human, I happen to think, at first blush that no one goes through what I do. Then, I realise after a slap upside the head that most do and in fact I am lucky. Please bear with my self absorption for just a few minutes please...

At 52 years of age, I decided that training and trying to obtain a second degree black belt was a great idea and I set off on a path that was less to do with getting a belt and more to do about me than I could have ever imagined. I have trained diligently and dedicatedly over many months because that is what it would take, after all I got a black belt once, just how different might this be?

Physically it has been a challenge, as I age, just like anyone, the physical challenges may be greater than anticipated and my body responds differently now than it did even 2 years ago. OK, not easy to accept for the narcissistic person that is inside all of us. I never knew that anyone had a Piroformis muscle, let alone that it could wake me up in the middle of the night. Nor did I think that after so many years of athletic trials that I could hyper extend an elbow and ignore it because somehow that would make ir better or....sprain a tooth!

I try and train 5 days a week and have done so for the most part since June of 2012. I am learning that the physical things are the easy part. Really they are, as much as my body says, are you f(*&^%$ kidding me as I write.

What I am struggling with is the emotional challenges that are associated with being a 52 year old.

Shit, as I read that I feel like a leftist self absorbed insecure Mama's boy...but it is not that.

I have reached the age where one begins to feel the weight of arbitrary measures. I am slower, I may not have achieved what I set out to do, or be, athletic endeavors are more challenging and you start to feel like you may be marginalized because you have fewer years ahead than behind.

A few weeks ago I sat in conversation with a friend and admitted that for the first time in my life I have felt vulnerable. Toni said, "you need to figure out why"

Sage advise, and I have yet to figure out why but today I was given a few clues and thought that just maybe I would share.

I went to train this morning at 7 am, yes on a Sunday. There was nothing unusual o0ther than I missed watching the fights last night at Sean's because I was a tired old fart...and we went through a usual routine and then about 15 minutes before the under belts left we had to line up.......in order of age...shit... I hate age because somehow to me that is an admission of something that I am not sure I can even explain but I knew one thing I was at the end of part of the line.

For the first time I was faced with the fact that there is only one person in this years candidates that is older than me. One, only one, that means that everyone else is younger than me...everyone but one. crap really everyone are you kidding me?

I looked in the mirror at the length of the line to my left and it was long. It was like it was screaming at me.HEY OLD GUY MOVE DOWN!

My piroformis muscle tightened, my back tightened, my elbow ached and my tooth....well it felt sprained!

And then it hit me.....I show up 5 days a week, I do this, I love to fight and I am getting better at most things every day. Providence....because what other sorry assed 52 year old does this?

I left feeling like maybe, just maybe, despite everything that is happening to me I am doing something right. The day was not over.

Our afternoon was spent with fabulous friends that we have the fortune of knowing because we are all blessed with having met in Birobidjan, Russia while bringing a little girl and a little boy into our families.

We are 2 families that would never have met if it were not for the desire to add to our families. We met in a small town in Russia in a restaurant called Scmack and have developed a friendship that we otherwise would never have known. We are different and have different experiences but have a bond that is powerful because it is a bond that is forged from a common experience and an experience that has a foundation in love. In the end we are very much the same.

PROVIDENCE...

So, tonight as my Guinness depletes and my age advances I am reminded that providing has a great deal more to do about the heart than anything else. (Sean you tried to tell me that a year ago)

I am reminded that there is infinitely more opportunity ahead of me than behind me and that is a choice. Opportunity personally, physically, professionally and spiritually.

Today has been a great day of Providence and this year has been a great year about uncovering opportunity...I have just not always been looking forward and too often been preoccupied with the present.

It is providence that all the people who have been there to open my eyes have had the patience to try and let me open to the possibility and allow me the time to hear.

Asimbonanga....but I am still hopeful too.

Godfrey "Ucar" Chitalu

These past few weeks the Africa Cup of Nations has really grabbed my attention and has brought me back to very fond memories of where my love of the sport began.


At the age of 11 I had never played the game nor had I probably watched it. Growing up in Montreal meant 3 things, Habs, Expos and Allouettes period. I played all three sports at that point in my life and I very much enjoyed playing sports. We lived a middle class existence on the West Island, my Dad working for CN and my Mom a stay at home Mom. Then the opportunity of a lifetime was presented to us and Dad was offered the chance to go to Zambia to work with Zambia Railways.


I can remember the family meeting that took place in our living room where we were told that this was going to happen. We were all actually quite excited but I had a reservation, I don't imagine they play hockey, do they?


We arrived in Kabwe in August of 1972.


Zambia had gained its Independence in October 1964 and was going through the growing pains that happen when you become a new Nation, it still is like most third world countries ravaged by imperialism (do not get me started please). I will not make this a political diatribe. It was and I imagine still is a wondrous place, the people welcoming and friendly, I can actually imagine the smell of the air and the warmth of it today.



I developed great friendships with a spectrum of other young tweens and teens as our time there passed and went through all the great things one does growing up as a teenager. I played Softball Sables club and tried to talk the men into letting me play Rugby with them. Yes there was not any hockey to be found.

I think back very fondly of the friendships that I had and because we left in 1978 there was no internet that would have made it easy to stay in touch. I have often wondered what might have been if there was and I had been able to keep in touch with the friends I had. Through the wonders of facebook I have reconnected with some of these friends and feel so blessed that it has been possible.

It was in Zambia that most of the things you experience as a young man happened: Lion Lager, Peter Stuyvesant's, snooker, girls, first love (at least I thought it was) and of course football.

Zambia is a football crazed culture and I was introduced to this magical game by playing in the parks with anyone who showed up. We played in bare feet and played for hours. I was the guy with the ball so I was very popular with all the kids in the park. The kids without balls would make them by winding up old plastic bags tightly and while not perfect they were a perfect substitute after all it was football and the dreams invoked through the voice of Dennis Liwewe.

Dennis Liwewe is Zambia's legendary voice of football. It is so fun to go on YouTube and listen to him as it brings back memories of sitting in my backyard at 11 Chisimba Falls Drive listening to him call the games, simply magic!

I was introduced to Liverpool by my good friend Stephen and became a fan for life. It is not like we could watch or hear the games they played but he told stories and that was enough to become a fan. Stephen and I have reconnected through Facebook and that is good.

Our local heroes were the Kabwe Warriors, the whole City would pulse as our great Warriors played and as you walked the streets you could hear Dennis Liwewe call the games on the radio. "Gibby Zulu is moving the ball forward" They played out of The Railway Stadium (at least I think that was its name) It was not much to look at but it was a magic kingdom to many.

I only attended a few games in my time there and went with Stephen Manda. I called Stephen Ba Malamu which in Nyanja means Brother in Law. I looked up to Stephen as a big brother and he taught me a great deal about life, friendship and what it meant to be an African man. I have missed him and his family dearly over the years and have tried many times to locate him but I have not succeeded. The games were incredible live and the stadium pulsated with every move particularly those of Godfrey "Ucar" Chitalu.

Ucar was the best Zambian footballer of his era and only the Great Kalu has more followers. I wonder if Ucar played today what he would be? More Africans play abroad than they did in his day. He was simply magic on the ball and is said to have scored 107 goals in a season. He of course played for the National Team and was the Wayne Gretzky of his time with the young and old alike.

This African Cup for Zambia is full of such emotion because of the tragic crash off the coast of Gabon that killed 18 of the team including the Coach at the time Godfrey "Ucar" Chitalu.

I feel such a kinship with Zambia having spent many years there and having had such wonderful friendships. It taught me more than I could have ever imagined and it is part of my culture. With the arrival of Toronto FC I have remembered just how captivating the sport is and how it can reach across boundaries and unite people.

Godfrey Ucar Chitalu was a sports hero to me in the same ilk as John Ferguson, Jean Belliveau, Andre Dawson, La Grande Orange and Moises Alou.

I miss so many things that I experienced in my years in Kabwe specifically many of my friends but it taught me so much.

It also gave me a love of football. Chipolopolo forever

Now That Was Quite The Year

On December 30 Amanda and I sat by the fireplace with a glass of wine and talked about what we thought 2012 might be, the girls were busy with things and we had a couple of hours to get caught up and talk about the upcoming year, these are the times that mean so much but we get so few. It also connected us to the year that was.

I am thinking a rundown for each of us would help. Kaelan continues to be a joy despite becoming a 13 year old girl. For years I have been warned by parents of teenagers to "just wait" and I have lived in abject fear of my youngest daughter becoming the 4th incarnation of the Exorcist complete with spinning head and projectile pea soup and while at 13 and a half we are still "Breaking Dawn" on teenagerhood...so far so good.

Now that is not to say that there have not been moments where after she has left the room I have asked Amanda who that girl was? After all being made from our flesh fruit never falls too far from the tree and yes I think that I have lost my former spot of being the smartest guy in the world and hover somewhere close to babbling idiot but I love being around her and at this point I am still above being tolerated by her. I will continue to bask in that light as long as I can.

Kaelan is training for her second degree black belt and her training will start to become quite heavy now that January is here. I am proud that she continues as so many fall off after obtaining their black belt. I am hopeful that sharing martial arts will keep us close as we go through the tougher side of being a teenager.

Dance still plays an important part for her as well and she will begin pointe classes this winter to go along with her dance. She gets very excited about these classes and towers over me in her pointe shoes! This was the year where Kaelan surpassed Amanda in height. The moment we discovered this will be forever implanted in me. We were in our kitchen and Amanda and KK were standing next to each other and I asked them to stand back to back and yes she was taller, Kaelan squealed, I laughed......Amanda cried.....

A big accomplishment for KK was successfully completing her bronze medallion this fall, one more step to getting her life guarding. This is no small feat as it encompassed a 3 hour written exam and a 4 hour in pool test. I love that the 4 hour in pool test was not the challenge for her that it is for many. Can you say rock solid fit....

Claire...very soon we will reach the third anniversary of meeting her as it was this time three years ago that we were preparing for our first trip to meet her. She has been a busy girl as well. This was the year where she started out with her own journeys in dance and martial arts.

Amanda signed Claire up for dance at the same studio where Kaelan started when she was 3 and Claire, after an initial adjustment period now loves attending her Saturday morning classes. She proudly puts on her dance outfit on Saturday mornings and is happy to share her "moves" with Daddy and KK. This past Christmas' show was priceless and you could see just how much she has grown since starting.

Our little ninja also loves going to the Dojang. Believe it or not I was trying not to have her start until she was about 5 but I was over ruled by 3 women. Amanda, Kaelan and Kyra. Kyra is a young woman at DeSantos who is an Instructor and 3rd Degree black belt, I was a proud team member with her this year when I obtained my belt and Kyra got her 3rd. Claire and Kyra have developed quite the friendship and it was hers along with Amanda's and Kaelan's insistence that Claire began.

Claire is showing herself to be quite the character and is developing wonderfully.

Amanda, my incredible best friend and partner has had quite the busy year. Firstly being there as I go through all I do and picking up the pieces as we go and then having had the busiest work year of her life as well. She is the glue that holds it all together and is the voice of reason when there needs to be one. I am proud of her professional accomplishments this year and also so proud of the role she plays with us. She has a great capacity to nurture growth even when it may mean a big change in dynamics and I know there are very few people that can do that.

This was for me the busiest year I have ever had.

After obtaining my black belt I have continued to train and am now assisting in classes 2 days a week. For me this was an important part of my martial arts journey and one that has taught me a great deal. I must be honest and tell you that in June and July training was very hard and I struggled mentally with a emotional low that was hard to manage. There is such a high in getting your belt and going from such a high level of training to a normal level was very stressful. I had fallen in love with training, the fellowship that surrounded it and clearly the endorphins that kicked in regularly. I was also struggling with understanding just how I was to continue now that I have a herniated disc...Both KJN and Sean have been very helpful in helping me understand this part of my life and guided me through. It was a Saturday morning at about 6:30 when Sean ran with me and helped me understand how I could bring focus back and also understand just what I was going through emotionally.

From a work perspective 2011 was probably my best ever and I accomplished a great deal. If you can love your work then I can say that I love what I do. This culminated in me getting an Award that is given out to only the top 5% of employees in Wealth Management and will be heading to South Beach, Miami with Amanda and the other recipients this spring for a few days of celebration.

Last year I also was active in my friend Matthews run to become our Member of Parliament in Beaches East York. Like I had time...hence my comments about Amanda picking up after me. I was proud to canvass, make calls, help out in the campaign office when I could and very proud that Matthew won handily! It was a great experience for me and one that helped me grow. It was also a great experience for Kaelan, who helped out a bit and was able to see first hand how you can become engaged in helping your community become a better place. It felt good for me to do something that can impact my family and the community where we live.

So 2011 is behind us and the opportunity that is 2012 lies ahead waiting to be picked up and engaged, loved and pushed to the limit. Let end with gratitude: other than #1and 2 no particular order:

• Amanda our glue



• My girls, the depth of joy you bring could never have been imagined



• Opportunity: you keep walking in front of me and shouting grab me!



• Humility: I am frequently reminded by you



• Friendships, I am blessed with so many caring people who inspire me



• I learnt that being really busy is really good for me



• Max, I miss you



• Rum, nuf said



• Ability to provide



• Dance, I swear I should have been a dancer

So I am thinking that I will leave you with a quote:

"If at first you don't succeed then try, try again, Then Quit. There is no sense in becoming a fool over it"

WC Fields

Dance and You'll feel Betta

And so my journey to be awarded my blackbelt ended last Saturday evening when KJN Veronica DeSantos tied my belt and my journey as a Martial Artist began.

Our Black Belt Spectacular was a great eveing that around 350 friends and family shared with us. The 2 1/2 hours flew by and it was an evening that I will never forget. I was particularly proud to be chosen to perform my musical form which I designed to James Brown's song "Get up offa that thing" which Kaelan assisted me on stage. I was so proud to stand there with my team and it was quite overwhelming.

The evening was capped off with my friends and family coming back to celebrate and I was thrillled that KJN was able to join us for part of the evening.

So now what? Well I feel like my journey has just begun and I plan to continue to train and learn. I owe a debt to many that requires me to give back and I owe it to myself to honor my achievement. One of my proudest moments was walking around the circle of people who have their Black Belts and being congratulated by them, I felt sincere appreciation and fellowship.

Here is what I know for sure: I will train, I want to contribute, Kaelan wants to compete and I have a summer to get in even better shape so I can contribute to the 2012 balck belt candidates.

I leave you with a quote:

"Promise me that you will never forget me because if I thought you would I would never leave"

Winnie the Pooh

In The Moments

As I think back on the blogs that I wrote, at one point I wrote about being in the moment and how I had discovered the importance of that in terms of success. As Power Weekend was beginning to close Sir Sean talked about life happening in moments and that the weekend was a collection of moments, it was at that moment I knew what theme would guide this blog.

Our Power Weekend began with the traditional meal at a Japanese Restaurant where the majority of candidates collected to eat and hopefully burn off the nervous anticipation about the upcoming 43 hours that was to be our Black Belt Test. In my estimation it worked as one could hear laughter and conversation that only those who had become caring for each other have. It was the calm before the storm and it was more than I could have hoped for.

So let me share the moments that gave me strength during the most difficult, challenging and physically demanding thing I have ever done and believe me it was. I have been fortunate to run a full marathon (42kms) and played many sports but nothing has come even close.

The first moment was in the presentations by the higher belts who were testing for 3rd, 4th and 5th degrees. A young team mate going for his 3rd degree talked about how martial arts changed his life, gave it direction and purpose and paid tribute to our Master for being the architect. It was honest, heart felt and utterly inspiring.

Then there was the Tootoo! A surprise and a gift all at the same time from a young women who at the age of 18 has the respect of peers and elders that few could ever hope to have in their 50's. She wore this in response to her team mates giving her the nickname Barbie at team building just so we could get her goat.

And so it began with inspiration that could have cured any butterflies.

It was game time and the candidates were put through a highly demanding session that lasted.... Quite the moment.

And in those moments there was Princess Consuela..Sir Tran was at his very best and in those moments it was the advice to the candidates at a particularly challenging time that if we were to fail then have the courage to fail big!

You will note the lack of detail on matters and that is in respect of the process..another moment, trust the process.

Sir Norm " I changed my mind"

Hour 13 of training began after no sleep but some rest..another moment.

Sir Luca " We just need to get your blood flowing" are you kidding me?

Helping to teach the 8:30 am class and then rushing out to train in the sunshine and warmth of the park with the bo.

Cleaning up the neighborhood to the delight of many residents.

Cathy "I am going to push you" and you did in hour 18ish. That is what a great team mate does

Sidoshi's training session. "Who wants to volunteer"...The Professor "me" are you kidding me?

A young team mate that did more push ups than the few hundred we all did.

My mentee who overcame a big challenge to perform Hwa Rang when it appeared that he could not break through his challenge and he did and in doing so made me so proud that I held back tears.

Being taught to break boards by Master Jonathan, a two time World Champion.

Knowing that I had to keep it up and to push myself hard as I looked at two of my team mates who injured themselves and had to do less than they thought but did more than most ever could even after. I was not going to let them down.

Each Musical Form.

Kaelan coming to help the candidates on Saturday night and looking so confident and giving me a reassuring look as she walked on the floor.

The less than 2 hours sleep

The run: a collection of moments. Personally breaking through the doubt that I would not run the 5K and may need to walk a bit..I did not walk an inch and finished with a respectable time. Knowing that each candidates story was being sewn with their final steps in running the 5 K after less than 3 hours sleep and training that could fell a Clydesdale. The ache in my legs a reminder of all the work we had done. The young girl who was feeling less than well, running despite it.

Each candidate as they finished going back to collect those that were still out there, I had witnessed this last year but the emotion of being part of it is different. Some likely ran over 7kms + by the time they were done.

It was in these final stages as the team finished the 5K together that Jason said, "Tom you are quiet" I responded "Unlike me huh" when the truth be told I was so totally overcome with emotion that I was not only fighting back the emotions but I could not find words that seemed anywhere close to fitting the occasion.

On June 4th I will be awarded my First Degree Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do. I could not be more grateful. I am not a material man but this will a possession that has more value than anything I own.

To Amanda, thank you for your incredible support throughout and for not blinking about Power Weekend being on your Birthday and Mothers Day to boot. The is no greater love that I have ever felt.

Kaelan, I have no words just tears of happiness for you. You inspire me.

My Team mates: I could not be more proud and thank you for these moments this past year as we trained together.

All those Black Belts who helped out thank you so much for giving so much.

Sir Sean, Sir Winston, Sir Norm: Thanks do not come close only my actions going forward will. Thank you for all your help and care.

KJN: You transform people's lives in such a caring and positive way. I have never met anyone quite like you and am so grateful that I have. You took my life which was great and connect me to an even better one.

BRING IT

I cannot remember being as excited about an event as I am about Power Weekend and it starts at 5:00 PM tomorrow. I pace almost bouncing and I have a calmness that I have not felt since I played football. I am ready.

I had a massage tonight to loosen things up and just got out of the hot tub. I am confident about all the things that I need to know and I am looking forward to the physical challenge. I know that it will be unlike anything I have ever done and that gets me going.

Tonight I rest, get to bed and sleep a little longer. Tomorrow will be time to pack, organise and enjoy a last meal with my team mates.

Before I go to bed I am going to visualise as much as I can imagine will happen. The key for me will be staying in the moment and focusing on others. I am going to sing when it seems hardest and smile when it seems most bleak. I look forward to what it is that KJN and the others throw my way.

I want to add that I am very proud of the Professor and how he has handled an ACL issue that he manufactured in order to win the worst injury to recover from competition. He just had to do better than a herniated disc! I was worried that I may have to do this without him and am very happy I will not.

I will update once I am able to move after Power Weekend. Until then just know that I am having the time of my life.

OH, I'm a Lumberjack and I'm okay

I sleep all night and I work all day!

Amazing Grace

Each of us in our own way witnesses on a daily basis the gifts that are sent our way in through the universe and call it what you will, God, Allah, Jehova, Ja it really doesn't matter in the scheme of life.

We are bombarded on a daily basis by so many distractions that it can too often be difficult to see and far too difficult to sift through the distractions and fabrications that claim will bring you happiness. We are conditioned to think that happiness comes through material things and that happiness is a feeling that is a high and you have to continually recreate it to be happy. These things are manufactured and supported by those who sell things. Ever notice how you are constantly told or see media that suggests happiness comes through a pair of pants, a car, a trip, a gadget and even through personal hygiene.

This weekend is about slowing it down a bit and focusing on my girls. 2 years ago we were in Birobidjan, Russia waiting for May 1 to arrive and for Yulia to become our Claire. It was 2 years ago that I witnessed to the depths of my soul that love has no boundaries, no resistance, no prejudice, no preconceptions, no expectations: Love simply exists and I saw it in Kaelan's eyes the first moment she set eyes on her baby sister, I saw it in the gentle eyes that Amanda greeted Claire with and I felt it run through me as if I was reborn as I watched all three.

When you spar with someone you eventually learn patience and how to relax as your opponent passionately tries to hit you. Things slow down and a second seems like a minute and a minute seems like 10. You become aware of everything that surrounds you and you feel a sense of peacefulness that is remarkable despite the fact that someone is trying to kick you in the head.

This is something that you need to pay attention to because it has deep implications on life. I am trying so hard to slow life down to those moments and sift through all that bombards me on a daily basis and truly focus on what being happy truly means. I have not perfected this but being aware is at least the start.

Amazing grace is in the moments of your life that you miss because you are paying attention to what is in the way.

Amazing grace is in the way you children look at you and in their smiles and laughter.

Amazing grace is in the moment that someone reaches out with encouragement.

Amazing grace is in the moment that my heart melted as I looked into those green eyes.

Amazing grace followed Kaelan, Amanda, Claire and I in each moment of our journey to bring her into our family.

Amazing grace is in pushing your body to do something you thought not possible.

Amazing grace is in each breath we take, it is just in the recognition.

My Martial Art reinforces this each and every time I train.

My family is proof that happiness is in the moments and not in the having.

I leave you today with a quote from Buddha:

"On a long journey of human life, faith is the best of companions; it is the best refreshment on the journey and is the greatest property"

Team Building "Just add WATER"

This past weekend saw 27 people who will be testing for first degree, second degree, third and fifth degree get together in Niagara on the Lake to get to know each other and team build in preparation for our black belt test from May 6 to May 8 2011.

Now this isn't just any team or collection of individuals it is a collection of people ranging in age from 10 years old to mid fifties and coming together as a team is very important given what the 40 hours will be like in our tests. This is not an easy task.

Now add to this rain, lots of rain and I mean lots of rain, cold temperatures at night and wind that was hurricane like, such that it blew over furniture out doors and some people slept outside on a covered porch or in a tent. The balance camped out in rooms and floors in the house that we stayed in. Most hostels have more space than the 19 people had indoors but that is all part of the experience. This all means little sleep.

It was one of the better experiences of my life. Over the course of about 36 hours we came together as a solid and caring unit that I have no doubt is committed to each others success. Just please do not ask us to count! The amazing thing is that each person is an equal partner in this now, no matter the age or ranking.

Some of my highlights

• Car ride there- I got to know Alex and Lewis really well and had quality time with Jason and Tina


• Lewis' growth glowed


• Dave's determination


• Aliya hitting me


• Max's interview of Dave


• Paul-measure twice cut once


• Kyra and Jean Luc's leadership ability


• Cathy's approach (I think she may be more positive than me!)


• Andrews cooking and boundless sense of humor


• Master Johnathan's contributions


• Winston's incredible and deft intuition


• Coming to accept as a team we just can't count


• The rain, it made us better


• The mud, it made us better


• Thai Boxing training "the bomb"


• Taking part in the Buddhist Temple service (wow)


• The Daily Lama


• Just being part of this

We have three more weeks to go before we test and only 1 Saturday training left with Easter weekend coming up. After this weekend I have no doubt that we can do this as a team and each of us whether we are 10 or 50 something realise that we have each other and will need each other as we begin to deal with will at some point be the abyss of reason and need someone to make sense of it all for us.

We had some pretty special people prepare food for us: Rose, Tina, Ariana and Elizabeth, thank you all for that gift of time and help. Rose's family that allowed us to use the home, thank you! Sean and Ian you just keep giving.........KJN your vision and standards make it all work.

I leave you with a quote from Sir Winston Churchill...(Lewis swears he bar tends at the Salty Dog)

"I am easily satisfied with the very best"

KJN it feels more like your motto!

In the Midst of all of this

As I move closer to a date with Power Weekend I struggle against becoming too self absorbed. It is a hard thing not too do. I am fortunate that I have a friend that is on an endeavor that is far more virtuous and am fortunate that he asked if I could help.

Matt Kellway is contesting the seat in Beaches East York in our upcoming Federal Election. After a heavy training session on Saturday morning where we did in the area of 124 push ups, I spent 4 1/2 hours in the afternoon knocking on doors asking people to consider Matt in the upcoming election. To say that I was a bit spent after all of this would about fit.

So in the midst of all of this self absorption I am reminded of what truly matters. There is no reason what so ever that we should have poverty in any corner of the world. As a world community we have enough food and have enough resources such that poverty can be eradicated.

This election campaign is a reminder that we have children in our community that suffer hunger, this then reminds me of the facts surrounding the children in Africa that suffer from hunger, who have lost both parents, children parenting siblings and trying to find a way to feed their malnourished bellies.

Sadly a child dies every three seconds from issues and illnesses that we can prevent.

You will note that I have changes my profile picture on Facebook to a button that says "I am voting to make poverty history"

IT IS POSSIBLE, I urge you to visit: Make Poverty History on the Web and if you want proof read "The End of Poverty" by Jeffrey Sachs.

For me it is about becoming the change that I want to see in the world. (Thank you Ghandi), I have supported a child through Plan Canada for longer than I can remember. The child lives just outside of Kabwe where I spent my years in Africa and I contribute to The Stephen Lewis Foundation and locally through The United Way.

As Canadians we set the standard through Lester Pearson in September 1969 by suggesting that .7% of GDP should go to third world causes. We have not lived up to his vision. I choose to, I share this to only say I do practice what I preach.

So in the midst of all of this I am thankful to be reminded that it actually a privilege to be in an economic position to do this. To be in a health position to do this and it is incumbent of me to find ways to share my fortunate position with those less fortunate. I also am fortunate to go to a school whose Master believes this and practices this as well. I will tell you about my black belt teams community project once we have it all figured out.

I am a follower of Mahatma Ghandi's teachings and shared one with you above. I leave you with one that impacted me a long time ago:

"Poverty is the worst form of violence."

Please consider participating in the elimination of poverty.

Blur

Okay, I am writing from an empty tank but I gotta write so here I go.

March was a month of incredible madness. I picked up my training and delivered a Developing Investment Advisor Program and did my best to keep up with being a Dad and husband. It is not even 7PM on Saturday night and I know I could crawl into bed until it was time to train tomorrow.

Delivering a DIA Program means I am at work about 7 am daily and getting home after 6 every night except for the 4 that I get home between 9 and 10. On these days I am "on" the whole time and it is exhausting. I had to pick up training too and I did.

I have a few weeks left before testing and the next three need to be about building a base and then about tapering. I am a mess and need to sleep./

I am out.

But I will leave you with a quote:

"It is the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief.And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen"

Muhammed Ali

Gratitude

As much as I have discovered a love of sparring, it is the softer side of the Martial Arts that has made me a devoted disciple. There is a gentleness and playfulness to a Martial Artist that I aspire to become.

This morning the 2011 black bet candidates had the final test to qualify for our final black belt test on the weekend of May 6th. Each of us arrived with a degree of anxious anticipation and were ready for a rough and tumble morning. After which a few of us were off to officiate at the 2011 Canada Cup with CASK.

Once again our Master taught us something unexpected. After a brief warm up run each candidate was given a candle which KJN lit for us and we all formed a circle where we were asked to meditate. KJN led us in a meditation of GRATITUDE. We were asked to think of the things that we were grateful for both inside and outside of Martial Arts.

Picture a darkened Dojang with 20-30 people in complete silence and only the glow of candles lighting the room. Listen to the complete silence except for the voice of our Master pointing out that gratitude is something more powerful than perhaps we allow it to be. We reflected on the journey and the challenges we have faced, the injuries and the doubts.

As I sit and write this the emotions that I felt then flow over me and blanket me in a warmth and appreciation that one might not associate with Martial Arts. As I sat quietly in meditation I felt a sense of connection to gratitude that calmed me and in some moments felt a degree overwhelming. Each and every person in that room has made me a better person from the youngest to the oldest. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be going through this experience with these people. The instructors who give of themselves like I have never seen in my entire life, I could never express my gratitude in a way that demonstrates it in a manner that is as meaningful as they have.

Today's lesson was not about a technique or a form, today was about connecting to self. I feel humbled by this 5 minutes even more so as I reflect on it.

As I watched our kids spar today I saw something I had not seen before. Sean and KJN coached the kids through Light contact continuous sparring. For a few of the kids it was their first tournament and for all I think the first in this type of sparring. Normally they participate in point sparring, a slightly less aggressive type of sparring. There was an incredible gentleness in the way that Sean and KJN talked, coached, motivated and calmed the kids nerves. I noticed their eyes and I noticed the way each student looked into those eyes. I am not sure that I have ever seen anything more powerful in my entire life. No words were needed as much as they spoke because the eyes said quite simply "Believe in yourself, hold yourself with integrity because I believe in you" KJN takes each child's heart in her hand and not only does she make it strong she inspires it to achieve a potential that it did not know it has.

For that I am so grateful and I aspire to learn such gentleness.

I leave you without a quote because I doubt you need one, I know I do not.

"The absense of pain is not nessasarily a good thing"

As I walked through the grocery store with Claire these words ran through my mind. I heard them from my Chiropractor and they were words that ran through my mind when I decided that doing self defense this morning which included getting flipped after a head lock was "going to be fine".

The challenge you face when having an injury is determining when is just the right time to push. This was my first mistake in 5 weeks and not a bad one.....I think. In coming to my defense I had a very strong week and was able to push hard and this past Wednesday was told by my Master that I was getting my grading sheet, which meant I had had proven that I was ready to be tested for my blackbelt. The professor also was given the honor on Wednesday after we both had a great 2 and a half hour training session and were the best we have been in weeks.

This was a challenging week as I have been starting work just after 7 am and leaving around 6 most nights at the earliest. I have a great group of people in this next few weeks and there is little time left and it will be used for training.

I felt a sense of relief when KJN advised us that we would be getting our sheets. Doubts have been in my mind as I have been working through the past few weeks. I have learnt a great deal about myself going through this and I have also learnt a great deal about how to learn. As we were working with KJN this past Wednesday on Bo it was as if we were learning a brand new form but it was the one we have been working on for months. It was a great gift that she gave me this past week, one of many to date.

March 31 cannot come quick enough as it is the end of the burning the candle at both ends with a blow torch. I know at the end I will be tired, stronger, smarter and sore.

In Honor of St. Patrick's Day a Quote by the best Irish Footballer period.

" I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I just wasted."

Georgie Best

Он находится в обучении

It is in the learning.

Four weeks ago I herniated my disc, this kind of fun should not only be reserved for the big brained folk that do not remember to bend their knees but should be enjoyed by anyone who loves a challenge.

I will be completely transparent and share with you that yesterday, I was the most miserable I have been since teething. After feeling like I had turned the corner I spent the day with a back that shared its discontent with the manner in which I had been treating it. It made it very clear that it felt it was the master and needed to be listened to. Sitting, standing, lying down or just about anything was not comfortable and not only that....my back got my hamstrings onside and it began to feel like my body had started an organising campaign and was about to strike!

So like any great capitalist I did what was the best thing to do, I dug in my heals, I got really bitchy

and blamed them. After all, I had been good to them iced, hot tubbed, massaged and just plain catered to them. So I asked them to do a little extra after being injured, I feed them and where would they be without me? Freakin selfish that is what they have become. Well I just might shut it down and we will see how that works with them! I took Advil and went to bed.

Saturday morning at 5:00 o'clock as the day begins, how could they do this to me? We, we gave him most of ourselves...sacrificed most of ourselves ....Did John and Paul know my back and hamstrings?

Today was about learning, we had a guest trainer today and she took us through an hour and a half of an amazing workout. I took care of myself and participated fully but was careful and avoided a few things that would have been sure to rouse the limbs and resulted in a grievance. It was magic! Sean reminded us all that Saturdays were a test, this was a great test for me and it gave me great learning.

I learnt that I need to pay attention but not get caught up in the crap. Four weeks in and I am at about 65% , I am asking a lot of my back by not resting and that will mean it will not be a quick fix but if I stop the uphill run would be harder. And for God's sake stop whining!

I think Anton Chekhov may have said it best.

"Any idiot can face a crisis- it's day to day living that wears you out."

The picture is the apartment that we stayed in while in Birobidjan, it was great fodder for the imagination and I enjoyed thinking about Chekhov and other writers while we stayed there. Great learning took place wile we were there. While it was built well after he died it was amazing being imersed in his culture and learning about Russian spirit.

Perspective

Today after training our Master asked each of us to share one thing that martial arts has done to improve our lives. So I thought I would share some of the stories that I heard and I will share my one thing and perhaps a couple more.

Before that a bit of context on where we have come from. Each of us began as white belts 3 + years ago and in that time we have seen many start out and drop out of the program along the way. Each has likely had their share of injury to work through as well, on a personal note my list is as follows:

1. Bruises beyond count


2. Sprained finger


3. Pulled hamstring


4. Smashed up little toe


5. Cut under the eye


6. Sore ribs


7. Swollen and bruised ankle


8. Rotator cuff


9. tendinitis in my elbow


10. Shins that felt like they would explode


11. and my favorite herniated disc

We are now at the point of potentially being given the honor of going to testing. We know that after testing there will be many that will move on and there will be some that will continue. So what have we gotten out of martial arts other than the clearly articulated pain?

It appears a great deal:

• confidence was a popular choice and one that is powerful


• Better physical shape


• weight loss


• an understanding of balance


• patience


• better relationships


• perspective


• friendship

I was very impressed by the way that many people talked about this especially those that I know had struggled with confidence and those who are/were shy. It honestly gave me a really strong sense of pride.

I count all of these as things that have improved in my life over the past 3 years and the one that I am most grateful for is how it has molded the relationship I have with Kaelan.

From the moment I saw KK we have been close and my heart grew 3 times the day she was born. Since I started martial arts our relationship has changed though. On the floor of the Dojang we are equals and I am not her Dad, in fact she is above me and for almost a year a black belt. This means that she is accorded the respect that is deserved of her accomplishment and she is also one of my teachers, she is "mam". Humbling for a father to be in a position that is other than parent to your child. One that I never hesitated in relinquishing on the floor and in the moments at home when she is helping me understand and grow in martial arts. It has meant that I have the honor of loving her in a way that I could never have imagined and I see her in a light that would never have illuminated if it were not for martial arts.

Don't get me wrong I am still her Dad but..and yes but is the right word, I am also her equal, that changes things in a very powerful way.

I leave you with a quote from Montesquieu

"To become truly great one has to stand with people not above them."

I would add parent after great and their children in place of people.